The Sandbox Manifesto - Issue #1 - The Human Mating Call

Getting dates is too hard. Sometimes I wish I was an animal. They've got the system down. When an animal looks for an attractive member of the opposite sex, he just walks out into the open and releases a bellow from his deepest bowels, and POW! The women come running!

Humans, on the other hand, are stupid. There is no system. Just a lot of wannabe systems that don't work. For example, let's say a handsome fellow such as, oh I don't know... <ahem> myself wanted to spend an evening with an attractive young lady. First, I'm supposed to find her. In the animal world, the women come running when they hear the call. But no -- here in this backward society we call "humanity," men are supposed to do all the work. Once the noteworthy specimen is located, I'm supposed to talk with her. Nevermind that females don't even speak the same language as men. I am supposed to shower her with compliments. I can handle that part. But the response girls give doesn't do any good towards a date -- it just goes in one ear and out their mouth as a "thank you" that is immediately forgotten. And then comes the stupidest part. I say "So, would you like to go out on a date?". And she responds. More often then not, even if she really thinks I am disgusting, she will say yes just to be nice. Well, great. I've gone through all this trouble, and I still don't know squat about whether or not she cares I exist. I just know she has a conscience. Sorta.

With this in mind, I have decided with assurance that the mating call is the way to go. You see, when you do the call, the cute girls can decide whether to ignore it or come give you a big hug. No whistles and bells, no one-sided phone conversations, no questions asked -- if they respond to the call, they think you're cute.

How is this call done, you ask? Well, for your convenience, I have included Brent's Step By Step Guide to the Human Mating Ritual by Brent. If you follow these instructions carefully, you will be well on your way to... well, somewhere.

Step 1: Find an area populated by a decent amount of cute women. I would suggest swimming pools, shopping malls, work out facilities, and front yards of houses where cute women live. Be sure it has enough room to also accommodate the Mating Dance.

Step 2: Remove your socks and put them over your ears. This is helpful because it shows your maturity. Don't believe me? When was the last time you saw a small child with socks over his ears? I rest my case.

Step 3: Place your hands high into the air and take a deep breath. Lift one leg into the air like the Karate Kid. It makes you look cool (chicks dig the Karate Kid even more than the Lego Maniac). Stand like this, silent, for several seconds.

Step 4: To do the call, release the air slowly but with great pressure from the diaphragm. Flex all your muscles, and wiggle your tongue inside your mouth for a vibrato quality. The tone should be deep, dark and round, but pointed, like a square. It should be balanced, like a pyramid, but very loud, but not too loud, but squishy. In short, it should sound exactly like the sound of a garbage disposal filled with whoopee cushions, only totally different.

Step 5: You may also want to implement the Mating Dance for added appeal. The mating dance involves biting your elbows, touching your tongue to your nose, and patting your head and rubbing your tummy at the same time, all while running very quickly in a figure eight pattern.

Now that you know how to perform the Human Mating Ritual, let me give you some advice on how to use it. You see, the proper response from the female population is lots of hugs from attractive women. Occasionally, however, you may experience attempted responses from very ugly, desperate women. For safety purposes it is advised that you should stay alert of this possibility at all times, wear very good running shoes, and have a getaway vehicle with engine running whenever you perform the ritual. Nonetheless, I think all who use this method will find that they achieve results beyond their wildest dreams. Or nightmares, even. Except for the one with the Sumo Cowboys. That was pretty wild.